Moral Genius

“Mom, Andrew hit me!” Andrew: “I did not.” Pause. “Mom, Amanda took my pencil!” Amanda: “Andrew you are such a tattletale!”…. Does this sound at all familiar?  Well, if we believe the words at all of Hal Runkel, the man who created Scream Free Parenting and The Scream Free Institute, conflict is a normal part of human existence.  Hal states that, not only is conflict inevitable, it is actually really important in helping us grow. He reminds us that this is the only way we build muscles, learn to walk, achieve goals, or basically exist.  The important part of conflict is how one deals with it. It is a natural reaction for people to avoid conflict and find it anxiety provoking. However, if we teach our children to avoid conflict, we may be teaching them (in an extreme case) to be abused. We desire self-confident, resilient, respectful, hard working children who can stick up for themselves. To teach them to avoid conflict decreases self-advocacy and self-confidence.

The recommended technique for fighting tells parents to largely steer clear of intervening – with the caveat that no one should get hurt during these learning experiences. It is your job as a parent to keep all of your children safe. For example, if you see your children are wrestling on the floor, you might comment, “Wow. That looks like it hurts? Is everyone ok?” If both children say yes, then they can continue. You might comment, “OK, as long as you are having fun I don’t mind you rough-housing. If anyone feels like they are getting hurt this must stop immediately. Remember, we love our siblings and don’t want to hurt them in our house.” The same goes for verbal fighting. If the scenario is playing out that one child won’t let the other play with something and so forth, you can let it play out.

The main ground rules of engagement are that both children have to treat each other respectfully. A fun idea is to listen to children playing while you are casually in a nearby room. See how things play out and listen. Before they move on to something else, then you can intervene. You might say, “I heard how you both wanted to play with the train, but decided to alternate. That was a great way to solve a problem!” Or, you might say, “I heard how you wouldn’t let your brother play with your train. Do you think that makes him think how lucky he is to have you as a brother? How would you feel if he didn’t share with you? How do you think you could handle it better next time?” Or, “Wow! You guys were amazing! I was just listening and I noticed how you both played with the train together! It looked like so much fun! I remember when you would not share and how much less fun you had keeping the train just for yourself. You have really learned how to be kind, generous children. Sure looks fun to share!”

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish in their books about Siblings Without Rivalry detail these types of scenarios and point out why adults should not get involved in mild conflict between children. Besides taking away a great learning opportunity, you might not know the whole story and may decide what should happen in an unfair way, or you may have biases that make you favor one child over the other. If one child is right but you decide that he is wrong because he is the oldest etc., you risk damaging your long-term relationship with that child. Letting children solve their own problems helps them grow and develop their problem-solving skills. Several of the MoralGenius flashcards provide scenarios to improve problem-solving and collaborative skills.

Does your child lose things? Does he not take care of things you spend your hard-earned money on and destroy them? What do you think you can do about that? Believe it or not, as Dr. Gary Smalley points out, we are an important part of every problem we have with a child or a partner. If your child loses or destroys things, you may have come to her rescue many times. Trust me, I know. I lose at least one of the following monthly: keys, wallet, credit cards, phone, or pager. Why do I lose these things? One reason might be because I have a full-time job as a surgeon, plus another job as the founder of MoralGenius, and more work to do with a husband and two children.

Another might be my genetic make-up (I just don’t have the detailed attention that Myers and Brigg describe for engineers and the like). Another reason I may not remember things, even in my late thirties, is because my mother loved me and rescued me. In grade school I would be trying to get straight A’s and I would forget my homework. My mom would leave her job and drop it by. In middle school I was trying to learn to play the clarinet. I would get busy and forget to bring it, but mom would leave her job and bring it to me. Even in high school I remember her bringing me an egg I needed for extra credit in our science lab. This sort of love and devotion subconsciously taught me that I don’t have to remember things. It taught me that there are no negative consequences to forgetting. Of course I love my mom, and am not blaming her. This is just one consequence of having a wonderfully supportive mother (the others include getting into medical school, operating as a successful surgeon, etc.)

Foster Cline’s popular parenting model suggests the opposite. His Love and Logic system suggests that parents should actually hope for their children to make mistakes. He states that these mistakes are opportunities for learning valuable lessons. If parents rescue their children they are taking away a very valuable teaching opportunity. He suggests if your child loses something and when he looks for it he can’t find it, you don’t replace it. Similarly he advises if your child does not treat a toy with respect and breaks it, that you do not replace the toy (helping him fix it would be reasonable). So, in summary, if you want your children not to lose things or destroy them, teach them to value them by making things hard to come by in the first place (we agree to an allowance so that children learn the value of hard work and money). Especially make them hard to come by again if they get lost or destroyed. To help train your children, it is fun to set up real scenarios for learning with them. Let them take an inexpensive, non-favorite stuffed animal to the zoo with them. Let them take an inexpensive, non-favorite toy outside in the mud. When you see the toy is left behind or headed towards being broken resist the urge to take away the lesson.

Why do children lie? Well, one researcher says because we tell them to. Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman have put together a recent interesting work detailing why things aren’t necessarily as we might think they would be intuitively. In their book, Nature Shock, studies are reviewed that discuss several counterintuitive points. These include that there may be some benefit in children hearing their parents disagree and ultimately resolve their conflict. Otherwise, the authors assert, the children already know that the parents are fighting, but since the doors are closed, assume no resolution to the problem is ever reached. Similarly, the authors provide research to show that providing some constructive criticism to children, along with positive reinforcement, can help them progress even faster in skills such as writing (an example here is to have children circle their best and worst work in a study of penmanship and describe what makes each letter the best or worst letter).

The authors also dedicate much of their book to lying. Their book points out that when we teach a child to tell the neighbor that they love a ghastly Christmas present that was bought, we are actually teaching them to lie. These authors point out that we teach children to bend the truth to spare someone’s hurt feelings. In the child’s mind, there may be little difference in lying to spare the neighbors feeling about a gift and lying to spare her parent’s feelings about a big life mistake (she wouldn’t want them to worry or be disappointed in her).

Experts tell us that modeling truth telling is at least as important as talking about it. For example, if a salesman calls for you and you don’t feel like talking, don’t tell your child to tell them you are in the shower when you are not. This gives the message that telling lies is acceptable in some situations. Children have a hard time identifying these gray areas, so the best policy is to take the opportunity to teach your child about honesty and difficult conversations. A nice way to work with that scenario might be to pick up the phone and respectfully say, “I really appreciate what you do. I know it must not be easy. However, today has been a long day for me and I am at home resting with my daughter. I am not really interested in buying anything right now, or, I don’t buy things over the phone.” Right after hanging up would be a good time to talk with your child about “what is right is not always easy.” You could tell your child how you would have rather lied than have had the salesman feel bad, but that lying can actually make someone feel worse if he finds out you lied. You can teach that sometimes it is ok to say, “No.”

You should also teach that one must always treat others with respect, even when the answer is “no.” This conversation and example demonstrates respect for others, self confidence, and honesty. The value of honesty is described in the, Emperor’s New Clothes. Watching movies with children or reading books with them and talking about honest or dishonest characters and what happens to them is a fun way to talk about honesty. MoralGenius Character and Leadership flashcards have other scenarios to discuss honesty and truth in both a secular and spiritual context. Although the graphics in this set are designed for young children, the topics and conversations can and should be held and repeated throughout a child’s youth.

Mom: “Amanda go clean your room!” Amanda: “I thought you told me not to clean it because you wanted me to do my homework. Can’t you make up your mind?” Does this little scenario of talking back frustrate you? It should. Talking back is disrespectful to parents who spend a lot of time and money trying to raise a great child. According to Dr. Thomas Phelan, our job as parents is to accentuate those behaviors we do like, such as honesty, discipline, and generosity while trying to get rid of behaviors we do not.

Talking back is an annoying behavior that is good to remove from the repertoire of behaviors as early as possible. You may feel that it is easy to correct a child who hits or bites another child, but that it is harder to correct a child for a bad attitude or for talking back. Kids are learning all of the time and are used to having correction in many areas. Believe it or not, you should correct those behaviors that seem “soft” or “gray” just exactly like you would some of the obvious black and white ones like hitting or biting. To not correct them can imply that you agree with the behavior, which can escalate. Spoiled, jealous, disrespectful, unloving attitudes that skyrocket can be a disaster for you and for your child.

Dr. Phelan says stopping bad behaviors is not difficult. He says it is maybe even easier than inspiring positive ones. He uses a Love and Logic (Cline) reinforcement system which he describes in his book 1 2 3 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12. He says to have a conversation with your children about your expectations. Explain that in your house people will speak to each other in a respectful way. Explain that disrespectful comments will get negative consequences just like hitting or hurting someone. Then, he describes the “1-2-3 System.” He says to explain this up front, but then use it when behaviors are seen and make sure to follow through on the consequences if you want results. The 1-2-3 System means that if you hear your child talking back, you will say, “That’s 1 for talking back.” If he keeps sassing back you will say, “That’s 2 for talking back.” And, if he persists in talking back, you will say, “That’s 3. Take 5.” Your child will then get to have a five-minute time-out to think about how to disagree or discuss things respectfully.

With consistent identification of the behavior and follow-up with time out, eventually your child will be able to make a logical conclusion about talking back before he even opens his mouth. The conclusion will go something like this: “Hmmm…. When I talk back, I have to sit in boring time-out. I don’t know if I want to do that.” Learning by one’s own logic is much more powerful than all of the lectures, parables, and threats that parents can give. If your child is older, or seems to enjoy time outs, when you get to 3 you can have a different consequence. The ones that really hit home are some of the best. They are best when they are agreed upon beforehand. This means they are used in a logical consequential way, not in a revengeful way. A conversation might go something like this: “Hey Andrew, I know it is difficult being a kid. I know you may disagree with something I say, and you have every right to. However, I try very hard to be a good parent to you. I have a hard time doing that when you talk to me in a disrespectful way. I have been thinking about things, and I wanted to let you know what is going to happen. I have decided that I am going to give you a warning when it seems you are saying things in a disrespectful way to me. I will give you 2 warnings. However, if I get to 3, there will be no TV (video games, books, play time, phone time, sports) for the rest of the day. Does that make sense?” If your child is talking back, start this program today. As scary as it sounds, it does work. Children find it fair, and even amusing. Just be careful, one day I was behaving badly and my daughter started counting on me!